clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
