Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
