i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I will pee on everything he values.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
