if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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