i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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