i barfeds in our rink
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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