I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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