So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
