when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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