So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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