Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
