I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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