i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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