Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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