I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
