And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
