why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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