sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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