checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
