we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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