Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
