I cockslap morals
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
