i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
