btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
