It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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