My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
