Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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