I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
