I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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