All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
false alarm, still single
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
