The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
