remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
