I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
