6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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