I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
