Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
