my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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