Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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