dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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