i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
