I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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