I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
