Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
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I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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