Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
