VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
