if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
