Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
