My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
