Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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