the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
