Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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