She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
