Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
