you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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