That's when you crack a 10am beer
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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