I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
