I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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